


Icarus Falling

by all_of_the_trash (orphan_account)



Category: Comics Industry RPF, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Victorian, Love Letters, M/M, Pining, Polyamory Negotiations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-02-15 02:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13021746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/all_of_the_trash
Summary: A letter that Gerard never intended to send.





	1. become the sky itself

My dearest Grant,

 

Over these months you have become my friend and confidant from afar, the invisible guardian of my heart. We know not each others’ voice yet we continue to listen to one another, hearing without sound. Yet as much as you have listened to me, there is one thing that I fear you have not heard from my correspondence that I wish you to know.

 

You know of my friendship with Raymond and the troubles that have arisen from it. He is the very thorn in my flesh, an exquisite pain which torments me with its delights and penetrates my soul. He is the sun, Grant, my Apollo. I, merely Icarus, will fly ever closer to taste the pains he offers me.

 

Yet Icarus must fall if he is to approach Apollo, and fall I have. I must speak verily with you, for should I waste this opportunity it may never come again. You terrify me, Grant. The very idea of your presence freezes my lungs and clouds my eyes; yet you yourself are warm and gentle. You are the ocean, Grant, my Poseidon. As I fall from the sun, I no longer fear the waves and wish to lose myself amongst their calm.

 

It may be brash of a mortal man to assume the affections of gods such as Apollo and Poseidon. Even so, the polar opposites of your natures draw and split me into a whole, and in your presence I feel that I transcend the mortal plane to become the sky itself, pulling you both to me and to each other at the horizon.

 

Raymond is my oldest friend, and you are the newest of my company. I suppose this is why happiness eluded me for so long, a simple truth that I could not have seen before now. I require your company- both of you- as my own, just as much as I need to belong to the both of you.

 

I am aware of the difficulties. Namely, it is night here. The sun will rise, and I will try again; you, my ocean, are far from me yet constant. As Apollo turns his face from me I turn to you- will you accept the affections of a man who has already drowned?

  


Forever yours,

Gerard Way


	2. we will become the horizon

My dearest Grant,

If we are immortals, then why are we cursed to exist as such? Why must the sky separate the sea from the sun, holding them in place yet unable to reach for either? Who has the authority to hold us all apart from one another? I lie awake at night awaiting your correspondence and longing for the day when this is all over.

Do not misunderstand me, love. My wish is not to end myself, nor has it been for an age. What I seek to end is this maddening suspension which holds the three of us apart from one another.

I curse it.

Do I not have authority? Can I not take charge of my own fate? Then I will call down damnation on the things which damn us themselves. I curse my lungs for making me fear the water, and I fill them with smoke in vengeance. I curse my wings for melting in his proximity yet still daring to pull me away from you.

I damn and curse and hiss and thrash against that which I cannot control. One day I will be marked by a stone in the ground and it shall undoubtedly read: "here lies the winged man, he who dared to love the gods who lived among him. He the insatiable whose hubris was his fall; no height or depth was great enough to sate his desires."

Oh, Grant, I have become quite morbid. Of course I mean it not, yet I cannot help my thoughts straying into dark paths when those were all I was certain of for so long. You give me hope, dearest; a foreign feeling which I am certain will find itself a home within me.

Impatience grows within me, yet I am entirely unsure of what it is seeking. I wish to speak to Raymond at the earliest convenience, to feel the warmth of the sun against my skin again. Yet I also wish to hang my desire for him, to plunge into the depths of the sea, to find you, to follow you down where no light from above shall find me. Although the pain is exquisite, I wish to be torn apart no longer. I wish to see you together and call you mine, to truly exist as three.

The weight of my desires hangs heavy upon me. It is an arduous road ahead of me, a path whose distance is unknown and destination is uncertain. It is my path to take if I wish to live my life to the fullest, which I will. However, I do believe that the journey will be more bearable if- Heavens, I cannot continue in this manner.

One day we will no longer need that which restricts us. I will cast aside my wings yet not fall; you will raise up your heart above the waves yet not gasp for breath; he will fall from the sky yet not drown in the cruel earth. I swear to you, Grant. I complete my journey and we will become the horizon- endless, untouchable, a place where sun and ocean and sky are free to bask in each other without fear or separation. I will work for that day, impossible as it may seem.

For if I may be so brazen as to call you mine, then there is nothing we cannot accomplish.

 

Yours in love and hope,

Gerard Way


	3. the world is deepest winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter that Gerard never intended to send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is... a bit spicier than the previous two. The reason being that Gerard and Ray have known each other longer, and do not have the barrier of distance, so Gerard is a bit more impatient to call Ray his own than he is for Grant. Obviously he is quite in love with both, it's just that the quality of their relationships is very different.

My dearest Raymond,

You are without a doubt aware that the world is cruel. Men like us were never meant to survive in it. Solitude and company stand waiting against each other, like fangs waiting to tear into us, the unsuspecting prey.

It is with this revelation that I find it imperative to remind you of one timeless fact.

Raymond my friend, you own my entire heart. You always have, and even in your stubbornness and pride, possibly always will. Only recently have I been able to imagine a life with another as my companion; and this is only because I require him as much as I do you. It tears me apart to have you so near to me and yet so distant.

Perhaps it was foolish of me to lose myself in your gentle touches and kind words. But how could I refrain? The world is deepest winter; a mere second unguarded can destroy. You, love, are warmth unparalleled- a heat which both delicately shelters and painfully consumes, willing me to strip away the last of my defenses and become one with you.

I realize the foolishness of speaking so boldly of my own lusts, but how should I continue to hide it? How long have I remained silent up to this point? How many more times shall I endure the welcome torture of your embrace, pretending that I do not imagine feeling your skin against mine? Is this wrong? Of course it is, love, you know that I am diabolical. But if you feel the need to hold anything against me, let it not be this.

A great pain is upon me, Raymond. I wish that I had never known the forbidden delights of the world, that I may crave what is forever beyond my reach. How I long for my days as a young boy, only dreaming of you in terms of clasped hands and stolen kisses rather than passionate heats and carnal delights. To think that were I a woman, innocent and undamaged, I could love you in a way you would understand, and the two of us could discover this new territory together. Just to love you would be enough.

But it is not enough, and I know now that it never will be. I cannot help what was stolen from me or what I was given. Knowing that this may never reach you I can speak boldly: I love you as I love Grant. My affections for one have only increased my love for the other, multiplying one another until I am crushed under the weight of my own desires. Yet to have one without the other would nearly be more painful than to lose you both. Zounds, Raymond, you would even love Grant as much as I do if you could meet him.

Yet I understand why you do not believe so. You still cannot fathom that anyone would love you, much less two men. You have been trained to believe that no one could ever love you, that you are an oddity or burden for whom the greatest love that can be afforded is simply to let you exist.  I could tear the sun from the sky and throw it into the sea with my bare hands if I thought that could help you believe otherwise. But if you truly cannot be convinced, if you continue to believe that you ruin everything you touch, then I cordially invite you to break me beyond hope of repair.

Do you not hear my affections when we speak? Can you not feel my desperation through our mingling hands and the gentle presses of your lips to my forehead, gestures which now drive me mad? I know that you would still say you have not taken the time to think of me in such a way, but how long can you go on avoiding it? As your friend, a man who loves you, and one who is truly and deeply devoted to you, I beg you to consider me, to give an answer. Otherwise this waiting and watching shall swallow me whole.

For the world was not made for a man like you, but damn it all if I was not.

Yours in hope,

Gerard Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh this chapter didn't come out the way I wanted it to. Sometimes there just aren't words, namean?


	4. torn apart with hopeless longing

My dear Franklin,

Existence is hell. It is lonely and bitter and impossible, and I am sick of living as such.

Do not misunderstand me, Frank. I will not die. But nothing can stop me from wishing. There comes a point in every man's life when he must give up his loneliness in the hope of some connection with another person, and if this connection is not achieved, he may waste away into nothingness.

I have made a grave error, my friend. I must reach out to either Raymond or Grant; of this I am certain. But I cannot speak to Raymond, and Grant will no longer listen to me. All I am capable of doing anymore is dreaming of the two of them in the hopes that I could hold either one.

I am certain this is not your concern. Only allow me to vent out my feelings in the hope that someone will listen, or, God-willing, have a solution.

You know that I am a proud man, Frank. I would never ask for help, much less an answer to my problems, if I were not unspeakably desperate. And so it seems that that is where I am. Torn apart with hopeless longing, on the peak of a Chevalet with a weight at each ankle- one my pride, and the other my crushing loneliness. Some days it feels as though the weights are Ray and Grant themselves, pulling me apart and into hell.

Do not worry for my life. I will manage to survive as always. Perhaps I will write to Grant again, and hope that he will even open the letter before casting it into the fire. And you must remind me to speak to Raymond- in person- before I find a way out of it again. If only I may face the sun and let the ocean listen, perhaps I will be well again.

I suppose this is goodbye for now. You and Jamia have all the love that I can give, you must know.

Forever your friend,

Gerard Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't google what a Chevalet is. Just take my word for it; it's a medieval torture device built like a dull wedge, which is meant to tear someone in half under their own weight, sometimes with weights tied to the legs and hips to speed the process.


End file.
